newsgroup: alt.destroy.the.internet
author: dave@see.signature.for.e-mail (Dave Flater)
subject: Welcome to alt.destroy.the.internet
date: 8 Mar 1997 19:25:48 -0500



(With new and improved conspiracy theory)

(C) 1997 David Flater, C.E.O.

I. What is alt.destroy.the.internet about?

Originally it was for discussing ways to destroy the internet (duh). But now that the internet has been destroyed, a.d.t.i is a focus for the hatred and contempt that veterans of the golden age of internet have for the drooling idiots who came and ruined it.

II. How was the internet destroyed?

By giving ten hours of free connect time to everybody with a mailing address. The subsequent deterioration and death of our global village went through four stages.

Stage 1: Tourists. Hordes of uncouth incompetents descended on the global village, packed its streets, and tore it apart. Natives huddled in their homes, hoping that it would pass like the annual September attack of the college freshmen, but this time there would be no escape.

Stage 2: Greed. Where there are tourists, there are merchants and scam artists eager to separate them from their money. So dawned the age of commercial advertising on the internet. The advent of spam was a straightforward escalation of greed into the realm of utter irresponsibility, poisoning our village well for a brief increase in profit.

Stage 3: Imposition of rule. The global village was a tolerant and enlightened culture; not so with the invaders. They brought their governments to impose censorship; they brought their courts to impose liability. The greed of the merchants and scam artists was applauded as "electronic commerce;" meanwhile, the village library was searched for writings that were considered by the invaders to be "indecent," "libelous," or "harmful," and examples were made of their unfortunate authors.

Stage 4: Cultural extinction. With its library burned, its well poisoned, and its people conquered, the global village had no hope of survival. What remains is only a mockery, a tourist town remade in the image of the barbarians who conquered it.

III. I thought "Imminent Death of the Net Predicted" was just an old joke. How could the death of the net have happened without anybody noticing?

Maybe people were expecting some great blow-off, with portents and signs and a grand "KABOOM;" perhaps with Kibo riding on the clouds and hurling thunderbolts at routers. But the death of the net came quietly like a thief, slowly leaching away all of its bandwidth and slack until there was no point to it any more.

Old timers will observe that the signal-to-noise ratio of the internet had been declining ever since its inception, and that it continued to exist despite many predictions to the contrary. But they must also admit that that existence eventually became little more than a brain-dead coma. The routers may still be moving packets, just as the heart may still pump blood; but it's dead just the same. The lights are on, but there's nobody home. Nobody you would want to meet, anyway.

IV. So what's the point of posting here?

It feels good.

V. What should I post?

Post rants against whoever or whatever you think is responsible for destroying the internet. If you get a piece of spam e-mail, you can rant against it here. If you are repressed or victimized because of the content of your web page, Usenet postings, or e-mail, you can scream about it here. News about clueless internet legislation and litigation is also fair game.

VI. You promised me a conspiracy theory. Cough it up!

Oh, okay, fine. Let's call it the great Neo-Puritan Conspiracy Against All That Which Does Not Suck (NPCAATWDNS). Their mission in life is to make everybody else miserable, and they bear much responsibility for hastening the death of the net. There are three major factions:

The Religious Nut Brigade. These are the people who say "Aaaaigh! It's Satan's work! We must protect the chilldrun!" and complain to their senators if they see Fran Drescher's butt on Cool Site of the Day.

The Political Correctness Cops. These are the people who try to shut down Cool Site of the Day because they think Fran Drescher's butt is sexist.

The Decency Police. These are the people who report Fran Drescher's butt to every imaginable authority, hoping that Cool Site will get busted for violating some decency law.

[For details on the actual real live incident involving Fran Drescher's butt, you can (as of February 1997, anyway) read Cool Site's own writeup at]

VII. Is there any way to _really_ destroy the internet?

There is no practical difference between a network jammed with useless junk and a network that is down. Therefore, the internet _really_ has been destroyed already.

-- David Flater, C.E.O. of alt.destroy.the.internet

This page taken without permission of the author. It being a FAQ and all that I don't think the author will mind.